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Post by The One on Aug 24, 2010 11:26:09 GMT -5
I feel I need to address the recent activity on this board regarding downbutnotout. While I understand that it may look to you on the surface that she is some "crazy person," I want to let it be known that she is rather an "ill person." She has a severe condition in which she is not in control of (think of it just as you would cancer) that unfortunately is triggered mostly (but not only) by the behavior of men who come off as abusive, mean, arrogant, etc. This is a very serious ordeal that she must contend with, and believe me, if she had HER choice, she would not be in this situation. I have personally known her, and her mom, for several years now, and I can say without any doubt, that they are extremely good, compassionate, sweet people.
I am making this statment b/c downbutnotout is an important person to me and I do not want her to be dragged through the mud, as you all have no idea what she is honestly up against. You ALL know me, and therefore know that if I am saying this, there must be good reason.
I do not know whether she will ever choose to come back on this board or not, but I ask you all out of respect for someone that is truly ILL, with real problems that none of us would want to have to face...AND out of respect for ME, that you treat her fairly at all times. Or, do not engage with her if you have anything negative to say.
Thank you all. I do appreciate your "hearts" on this.
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Post by downbutnotout on Aug 24, 2010 12:16:52 GMT -5
I want to thank Eric for all he's done for me, for my mom, and for my mental health. If it weren't for his work outs I wouldn't get the natural serotonin that I lack almost completely. I don't expect any of you to care, This world is cruel. I'm sure you'll all still make fun of me, bash me, etc. But whatever, it's not the first time and it won't be the last. And to Hoopie- you are more vicious than I am on my worst days. I saw what you wrote in Ramiro's program. I was sickened and had a panic attack and contemplated slitting my wrists. See, no chemical on this planet can kill me, as far as we know. So it would really be the only way. And I'd probably screw it up anyways. I'm sure you'd like to see me dead. I've just begun to meet with Quakers. They follow what Jesus taught to the T. We sit in a round table, no one preaches, it's not a church, its' just "where 2 or more are gathered in my name". I am hoping that God will help heal my knee jerk reaction to men who set me off. I cannot function in society otherwise. I've had to remain sedated all day. I'm typing through a haze. I won't post on this board after this last post. I won't come and check and read because I'm sure there will only be more cyber bullying. Which in turn will set me off to do major drugs, booze, and contemplate and sometimes attempt suicide. That's all. As I'm fond of all things Hindi, I say to you all Namaste
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scar
P/RR/S Newbie
Posts: 19
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Post by scar on Aug 24, 2010 21:10:11 GMT -5
Down, i never knew you well. But its obvious your heart is huge for the love of animals shows much potential. It can be harder to love our own kind because they can hurt us so easily.
Its great to turn to our creator for help and put the small things of this world into perspective.....hope you return when you have the strength. Scar.
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Post by All American Dave on Aug 24, 2010 21:59:03 GMT -5
I only know you on the boards DBNO but I KNOW your heart and want everyone to know that I believe in you and that your good traits will win in the long run. You are in a tough battle, just keep fighting and I'll be here to help however I can. God bless.
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Post by The One on Aug 25, 2010 0:04:52 GMT -5
Thank you scar and Dave for your support/understanding here.
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coz999
P/RR/S Elite
WIDE AS A BARNYARD DOOR
Posts: 314
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Post by coz999 on Aug 25, 2010 4:49:59 GMT -5
I was super curious what that post was all about. Now it makes sense. I am sorry that you have to go through such a terrible thing that you cannot control. Keep strong and never give up! Life is always worth living for....ALWAYS!
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Post by downbutnotout on Aug 25, 2010 5:39:17 GMT -5
Thanks guys. I do so appreciate it. I suffer from 8 disorders. I've been on disability for 6 years. They finally diagnosed me correctly at age 24 but I had been sick since age 8 or earlier. The only reason I stayed alive was the prayers of my mother. She has God's ear, truly. There's no possible way anyone could survive the amounts of chemicals I've taken to commit suicide. It's been God that's kept me from dying and kept my organs from being damaged. It's amazing, my liver is perfect. Everything in my blood work always is. I'm far too vain to blow my brains out, I've had 3 plastic surgeries on my face and dang it I'm not ruining that! LOL. If any of you are interested in my main disorder, called Borderline Personality Disorder (it's kind of like Turrets combined with Multiple personalities combined with schizophrenia and on and on it's just this HUGE galaxy of weirdness) you can check out this link www.bpdresourcecenter.orgI think it's still up. Over the years I've improved greatly, you don't see me on a daily basis. I've been really lucky to have met in the past year a therapist and psychiatrist who are soooo cool. They are loving, spiritual, interested in what I have to say, supportive, love the fact that I body build they find it fascinating, unlike my previous doctor who thought it was yet another disorder. Pffft whatever. She was a cold fish. But the people I see now are very spiritual and very open to God and talking about God and when I tell them I hear God they don't think I'm delusional and put me in the hospital they totally understand because they experience it themselves. I have had several rounds of electro shock therapy. It's a last resort. But it's not like what you see in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. No Nurse Ratchet. However it IS extreme, very violent, very invasive. But it cured one of my disorders which was a totally gross one that I had had for decades. But it's not a cure for everything and you gotta keep getting it like a tune up for your car. I tried going off meds last year and down I went into the spiral of the abyss. I just can't be off meds. We try to keep the dose lower so I can function better, but I'm still on stuff that would knock any of you out. The fact that I can do Eric's work outs on the meds I'm on, I just have no idea how I do it. The sides are annoying as hell when I lift, BP dropping constantly. And for all of you who think that because I use AAS means I'm a "dipshit" I'd like to say, don't throw stones unless you're without sin. And I'm not on ANYTHING right now, as I've said. The tiny dose I took is long gone from my system and I don't even take any EFX supps. All my gains and strength are just purely mine because Eric rocks, period. There's a book many of you could benefit from called Amazing Grace by Philip Yancy. It teaches not to throw stones. Ok, gotta go to the gym. I'm totally open to people asking questions about my disorders, my treatment, my spiritual life, God, animals, animal rights. Those are safe topics. Peace
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Post by downbutnotout on Aug 25, 2010 6:06:57 GMT -5
Really, when I'm not homicidal, which is super rare, I'm just a total geek who reads constantly about physics and primates, volunteers to rehab abused animals at a shelter, obsessed with fancy skin products (gotta be French, I'm a snob), love to get stronger and stronger, spend time with my refund dad Tom who lives on Park Ave in NYC so I rarely see him (I'm upstate) but he's amazing, my other best guy friend Steve who's also into physics and is a music producer (Tom is also a physicist) we all love talking about primates, both human and non, my ultimate dream is to talk to what's left of Washoe's family who speak fluent ASL, they live in Washington (they're chimps). Basically, if I'm left alone and no one "disses" me, I seem completely normal, sane, lucid, intelligent and motivated. Just got that big ol' trigger and I TRY to warn people about it over and over. But most forget.
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Post by hossjob on Aug 25, 2010 7:49:13 GMT -5
Downbutnotout,
I can tell you have some amazing qualities and traits and with an endorsement from Eric like that, you should know that this board ALWAYS has your back! We are one big family and I think people sometimes get a bit worked up because we deeply care for one another on this board and you my friend certainly are no different!
I for one did not know the severity of your ailments, but I can assure you thing my dear, I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I look forward to seeing you continually pursue your goals and dreams and hope to see you continue to share them here!
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Post by downbutnotout on Aug 25, 2010 8:16:01 GMT -5
Downbutnotout, I can tell you have some amazing qualities and traits and with an endorsement from Eric like that, you should know that this board ALWAYS has your back! We are one big family and I think people sometimes get a bit worked up because we deeply care for one another on this board and you my friend certainly are no different! I for one did not know the severity of your ailments, but I can assure you thing my dear, I will keep you and your family in my prayers and I look forward to seeing you continually pursue your goals and dreams and hope to see you continue to share them here! Hoss, thank you for a kind response. I'm waiting for Hoopie to respond. What he said was just utterly atrocious. I could never post here knowing he was here perhaps laying in wait to attack me again. What I NEED to do is pray that his heart is not hard, that he is open to the fact that I'm sick, and that he can show compassion without any damage to his own self esteem. But I won't hold my breath. Thanks so much for prayers, they are literally the fuel I run on. Without them I would have been dead in the ground 10 years ago. But death holds no power over those of us who believe. So it's all good. Thanks so much. As a side note, right now my doctor has me working with ice. They've done some major studies with Borderline and at a conference she learned that contact with ice either via through my hands or on my face can bring me down off a manic high. I just have to get to a freezer super fast.
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Post by downbutnotout on Aug 25, 2010 8:33:48 GMT -5
ok here's a line graph showing what a "normal" person experiences when irritated
--------------/\------------ so there's the spike, then quickly you come back down. Now here's a Borderline
-----------/-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------\ so ok, that's about a 24-48 hour period of being in fight or flight mode caused by what would be just a small irritant to the average person.
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Post by Hoopie on Aug 26, 2010 2:48:26 GMT -5
My response:
you wished, in writen words, in 2 seperate threads, for a friend of mine to die and his family. So yes my response was harsh but i DID NOT wish you dead nor would i ever wish anyone dead for that matter. Do i take back or appologize for what i wrote NOPE. Now let me copy and paste a message that you sent me, "you're a dead man too. There. Personal PM. Happy?" Now this did give me a laugh.....Understand something when you write down in a thread that you wish someones friend dead your going to get a backlash from someone whether it be that said person or a friend of that said person. I also know that in the reply prior to mine that someone wrote that it sickened them to read what you wrote. I didnt come at you out of the blue for something to do i came at you for what you wrote as i would do to anyone that wrote something like that.
Now that being said i do wish you the best of luck in getting better and handleing your disorder. As im sure it is a strugle from day to day and noone should have to live like that.
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Post by naturalleo on Aug 26, 2010 4:19:34 GMT -5
As I have said it once before and I will gladly say it again, I always enjoy our chats and I wish for you the best.
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Post by downbutnotout on Aug 26, 2010 4:51:42 GMT -5
My response: you wished, in writen words, in 2 seperate threads, for a friend of mine to die and his family. So yes my response was harsh but i DID NOT wish you dead nor would i ever wish anyone dead for that matter. Do i take back or appologize for what i wrote NOPE. Now let me copy and paste a message that you sent me, "you're a dead man too. There. Personal PM. Happy?" Now this did give me a laugh.....Understand something when you write down in a thread that you wish someones friend dead your going to get a backlash from someone whether it be that said person or a friend of that said person. I also know that in the reply prior to mine that someone wrote that it sickened them to read what you wrote. I didnt come at you out of the blue for something to do i came at you for what you wrote as i would do to anyone that wrote something like that. Now that being said i do wish you the best of luck in getting better and handleing your disorder. As im sure it is a strugle from day to day and noone should have to live like that. OK Hoopie (what's your real first name I feel weird calling someone by a nickname over something so serious ha) I will just accept the last part of your response that you hope I get better and that I live with a struggle. I appreciate those words. I can't make you take back what you said, but you gotta realize, what I said I didn't mean, when I say things like that, it's not ME. ME goes away gets wiped out. I'm just NOT there. It's someone else. Like Sybil? Ever see that movie? So when you reprimanded me you were reprimanding Corrie, not the woman who made the mean comments. It's complicated but as I said, I am glad you wish me well that is very kind of you and I do so appreciate it. See, I'm one rung down on the ladder from schizophrenia in the DSM IV. When I was finally diagnosed correctly they wanted to put me in Bellevue. Do you know the history of Bellevue? It's NUTS! (pun intended) all because I was seeing some things that weren't there but I was still lucid and holding conversations and functioning minimally at least. I said NO WAY am I going to BELLEVUE! They're over there writing on the walls with their own poo. SO instead I left NYC and came home to my mom upstate and she's been helping take care of me since. I've made HUGE improvements over the years. I'm on disability, and if this gives you any idea, when I applied for disability with my lawyer who ROCKS, normally they hold a hearing. The judge looked at my file and granted me disability without seeing me. That happens once every thousand applications. My mom has to come to the gym with me and sit in the waiting area where I can see her otherwise my agoraphobia goes nuts. I can't even go to the gym by myself. But anyways, thanks again Hoopie aka ? whoever you are lol.
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Post by downbutnotout on Aug 26, 2010 5:19:19 GMT -5
As I have said it once before and I will gladly say it again, I always enjoy our chats and I wish for you the best. You're sweet thank you so much for those kind words.
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